Ya’ll ready to love someone other than a 2D waifu or husbando? Honestly, the hardest thing is finding a victim..uh…person who’s willing to put up with your quirks. But never fear!! I’m here to give you totally legit advice that will bag you a lover, Yuno Gasai style.
1. Pink Hair
Nothing screams LOVE ME quite like pink hair. It’s all the rage with psychos…I mean, lovely yandere types. Just look at pure, innocent Yuno. Doesn’t her pink hair just draw you in?
Also, make that stuff long. Like, past the middle of your back long, with a slight shag. Trendy means looking a bit unkempt, but not hobo level.
2. Project the “Dere.”
Draw your prey in with a shy act. Just act really awkward, I’m sure you’re plenty good at it already.
Have a slight smile, do a weak “heh” at every lame joke, and act like a kitten. Remember though, don’t get too attached to this mask. It’s just the sweet, sweet bait.
3. Know When to Go “Yan.”
Now this will make or break your future relationship. You have to find the perfect moment to bust out the obsessive “yan” side.
Give this weird, killer look to your dude’s sister or bust out a machete when he mentions a “guys’ night out.” But don’t linger too long, because you don’t want to trip too many psycho flags…yet.
4. Stalk Your Lover.
Never leave your victim out of your sight. You must know what they are doing at all times! Thanks to modern marvels like Facebook and Twitter, it’s actually really easy to keep tabs on your love-pet.
But if you want to go old school (it’s all the rage these days), you actually have to do some work. I know, work. Such a terrible word, but I promise you won’t bust a sweat.
Just follow them, but make sure they can’t see you. Hide behind corners, get a pair of binoculars, and put on a ghillie suit. Watch what they are doing. Maybe you’ll actually learn their hobbies or what they like eat.
5. Learn to Cook
This is the hook, baby. You stalk them, learn their favorite food, then cook it for them. But it has to be the best damn thing they have ever eaten. A dude will put up with a lot of weird shit for a good meal, just ask Yuki.
6. Time to Get Serious.
If you follow your lover everywhere you go, people will assume that you two are a thing. Once you reach this golden status, you have to act all sweet. Pretend the world is sparkly and flowers are dancing. Yeah, that’s the ticket…
7. Lay Down the Rules.
It’s time. Every relationship needs rules and boundaries. This means:
- No guy friends.
- No lady friends.
- No incestuous sisters.
- No incestuous cousins.
- No ignoring phone calls.
- No eating food other than what you cook.
- No leaving the house without permission.
- No talking to strangers.
- No breathing different air.
- No more freedom, because you are better than freedom.
8. Kill the Competition.
Literally. Especially that flirty bimbo at the bar.
9. Be Good at Cleaning.
Do you want to leave evidence at the crime scene? That’s what I thought. If you are they lazy type, hire a good cleaning service that won’t ask questions.
10. Seriously, No Freedom.
You need to be around your new love 24 hours a day. You’ll literally die if you don’t see them for a second! This means you go where they go. You breathe when they breathe. And they will certainly never see anyone, but you again.
11. Time to Call it Quits.
There will come a time Lover-kun gets tired of your obsessive shit. Can’t say I blame him.
However, you must be strict. After all, it’s their fault for wanting some space (code for NTR). Make it quick. Chop their head off, sail away on a boat, eat them, I don’t really care.
Oh, and you should probably change your identity and move to a new country. Hey, I never said this was going to be easy.