Gather around children. Do you want to learn how to become a harem protag? Want to become the envy of side characters everywhere? Well, with my semi-professional tips, you could maybe life your dream.
1. Work on Your Personality.
This right here is the most important key to being a harem protag. You absolutely have work on your personality and be as bland as you can be.
I know most of you fancy yourselves as the next Koyomi Araragi or Arata Kasuga, but it’s just not possible for two reasons. You are not a vampire (Araragi) or a demon lord (Kasuga). And no, chuunibyou syndrome does not grant these things.
2. Get a New Style.
This is the easiest step! Keep that baby face, avoid clothes with logos, have a pointless belt or scarf, and get a bland hair cut. See, easy!
3. Become the Worst at the Thing You Do.
You need a reputation of being a total failure…which might not be hard for most of you. Get terrible grades, but not the point of flunking out. Score the worst at magic ability. Be horrible at video games. It doesn’t matter, as long as you are last.
4. But, Learn Some Super Secret Talent.
This is the sexy hook that will make up for your cardboard personality and terribleness at life. The talent has to be so obscure, that no one in the world has it. Maybe you give perfect haircuts with your eyes closed? You can talk to squirrels? t doesn’t matter, as long as you are the best at it.
5. Do This to a Random Princess.
Actually, don’t do this. You might get a beat down or charged with sexual assault. Only do this to your pillow or to a consenting individual.
6. Blush at Every Bit of Contact.
You have to be pure and innocent, or at least look like it.
7. Get an Extremely Handsome and Perverted Wingman.
Your wingman should come with sparkles and be better looking than you with an actual personality. Their perviness could be a hidden thing or could be out in the open. It doesn’t matter, because they are handsome (but alone).
8. Beat the Hell out of Someone “Accidently.”
Even Raku Ichijo won a fight. Make sure it’s a big deal with the entire school or town watching. Pro tip, get your ass handed to you for the majority of the fight and win at the last second. Everyone loves comebacks.
9. Shake Down the Family Tree.
Sadly, it’s part of the job description. At minimum you’ll have a cousin thirsting for you. At most, well…let’s not think about that.
10. Accidently Walk in at the Worst Times.
11. Have People Ask You For Help.
Your harem members will ask you to help them with the little things. Going on dates, saving the world, buying shoes…it’s can be a bit much at times, but how else will we be able to fill the episode count?
12. NO ROMANTIC PROGRESSION!
To keep the status quo, you must never advance past lewd hand holding or worried hugging. At no point shall you pick a “winner” either. In the end, your relationship with your harem will be little more than that of an observer.
13. Be Dense.
In the end, being a harem protag won’t matter because you would be too dense to realize what it’s going on.
The worst part? Years will progress and you’ll find yourself sitting at a bar. As you down your second or fourth scotch, a revelation will occur. One of your harem members was a trap, and you let them get away…sh, no tears friend, no tears.